Theory #2. Never, ever assume people share your opinions.
Oh thank god.
I have to thank my mum a million times over for saving me from a really random Christmas gift from my grandfather.
Sometimes you need someone else to step in and save the day, because there’s no easy way to say ‘oh dear me, that is a truly awful gift choice, what on earth made you think that was a good idea?’
Though at the family gathering on Sunday, my granddad was extremely chuffed at the gift he got me. You’ll never guess what it is, so I’ll just say it…
A bidet.
And a fancy one at that – one that requires an electrician and a plumber to install, has several functions including wide angle, 5 different pressure settings, 5 temperature settings for the blow drying… I stopped looking at the amazing functions after that. Excellent… just what every 25 year old wants for Christmas… Perhaps I should be careful how often I gush about how badly I want such a specific personal hygiene machine at family gatherings.
I think the context was that he had hurt his shoulder and found that he had some trouble with activities of daily living, got himself a bidet and must have discovered it to be it wonderfully helpful. So he bought one for my mum and then one for me. Mum’s is already installed (a surprise – and in a complete invasion of privacy and personal space).
I’m still in shock over it. I can’t think of anything worse. But I suppose that’s the point – that you’re never expecting the worst gift you’ve ever gotten.
Now I owe mum big time since she’s given good enough reasons to explain why I can’t/don’t want to own the fancy-pants bidet and suggested a few other potential gifts instead. Breathing a massive sigh of relief.
I’m partly blaming her anyway – mum was the one who told him to try for a different gift this year since we’d both gotten perfume three years in a row. Somehow I don’t think this was what she had in mind.
Ultimately – just because you think something is a good idea – please for god’s sake, never gift a bidet.
Over and out.
– Dr Orist.
The Orist. 