Top 10.

No theory on this one. Just still trying to live in the now and not stress too much about the future and where things are going.

That’s not really my style though…

So instead, I’ve typed the questions I want to ask Ben but am refusing to let myself ask him just yet since I’m just trying to focus (thanks NYR). Here are my Top 10 anxiety ridden questions of the first fortnight of 2014:

1. What are the plans for the Aussie Day weekend – can I lock in some sort of meal for you to meet my bestie and her fiancé?  (I wrote this as a draft yesterday and clearly I forgot that this was Q#1 since I essentially asked this today. Oops. Told you I was bad at this NYR thing.)
2. What are we? I’m sort of hoping this is more than just booty calls. Otherwise they’re fairly expensive booty calls… Also I feel like this could be something special. I’m trying not to read into it – I’ve seen “He’s Just Not That Into You”, remember?
3. Are you free on specific-weekend in April? Can you be free? I would love to take you as my date to a friend’s wedding.
4. Or is that a bit too much, too soon? See Q#2, I’d like to know where this is going and what it means, even if the definition is “I don’t quite know yet, just seeing where it takes us” – that’d help me not fantasise about potential things you might propose or props you might need in such a situation…
5. Do you really want to move in together? It’s also not too soon? We’re both probably likely to jump the gun on things, and I’m keen, just nervous; but don’t know if we’ve just been joking about it or if this is actually something we’ve both considered enough and still both want?
6. What would happen if I fell pregnant? How would you react? You missed out on the first pregnancy scare of 2014 because I didn’t have the answer to this question yet. (For the record, I was feeling a bit weird at work and one comment from me about feeling dumb lead to coworkers implying I had a bun in the oven. Fast forward a few weeks later (with the joke still ongoing about me being pregnant) and I’m five days late. Pregnancy test was negative bee-tee-dubs.)
7. What is your middle name? I feel like I should know this already.
8. Are you happy with the current plan of only seeing each other every month? Or would every 2-3 weeks be better for our sanity and we just ignore the impact on wallets?
9. How long do you think you can stand the long distance? I’m willing to give this a few more months but I might go insane. There’s just a lot of things to consider between now and then, and remember, I’m not supposed to think too much too far ahead.
10. Even though it’s not usually the done thing, I want to know about your past relationships and how they fell apart. (Technically not a question, I know, but I feel like it’d be rude to demand that in question form). Also so I can judge things a bit and see if: (a) there’s something wrong with you like I suspect because you’re a bit too perfect not to have been snapped up yet. Seriously. or (b) there’s a chance you might drop me quick-as-look-at-you if one of your exes was to offer themselves to you throw themselves at you.

I do actually intend to ask him these questions eventually, it’s just a little difficult while I don’t have the answer to Q#2.

Fretfully yours,

– Dr O.

 

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A Resolute Plan.

I am incredibly impatient.

This might be my worst trait.

I will claim that it is solely responsible for all of my unfinished works, unrealistic expectations, and general restlessness.

W.H.Auden believes that laziness acknowledges the relationship of the present to the past, but ignores the future, and that impatience acknowledges the relation of the present to the future, but ignores the present’s relation to the past; and so, if one is lazy and impatient, you cannot accept the ‘present instant in its full reality’.

But I disagree. Impatience does not ignore the past and nor does laziness fail to recognise the future. Impatience is an eagerness to enter the future and see all of its potential, based on experiences of the past; and laziness is perhaps a lack of enthusiasm about the future due to an uninspiring past.

My Theory #5 then: Impatience is a representation of the high expectations one sets for oneself.

Though I do believe W.H.Auden is correct in thinking that you cannot accept the present properly if you are impatient.

I always have plans, but rarely follow through with them all. I always have To-Do lists, and mostly I just want things done already.

This is not to say that I don’t enjoy the journey, I just prefer looking back on the journey from the destination.

Aw shucks, I believe I have stumbled on to my new year’s resolution (NYR). Usually I give up on the whole resolutions thing pretty early, but I guess I really am wanting to change – I think I could be happier, and hopefully it would make things with Ben easier; or at least if I could seem less neurotic – that would be awesome.

NYR: I would like to focus more on the ‘present instant in its full reality’. I cannot hope to curb my plan-making tendencies, but I can try to follow through with the plans.

I will document my progress – wish me luck.

(Note, that was Plan #1: Document attempts to focus on the present, and any plans vs completion rates).

Resolutely yours,

Dr O.