Proactivity – I’ll come to that later.

I concede – I too think Kiki is awesome.

I think/hope I can see what Ben meant about her – she’s awesome, they’re friends, he can only love her in the best-friend way, and couldn’t ever see himself with her in a relationship.

And now I can’t remember if she’s the one he’s got the backup plan with… You know the backup: “if we’re both 40 and single and haven’t found anyone yet, let’s just get married”.

Ok, so I can’t completely get rid of all of the jealous anxiety just yet.

Ultimately, I’m waiting (however impatiently) for the moment where I’m that comfortable with him, and comfortable with how he feels about me, to not be jealous at all.

Imma be waiting a while, aren’t I?

I blame the newness (surely there’s a better word than that), the distance and the lack of official commitment yet.

NYR reminder – focus on the present – try to be patient, the future will come and it will sort itself out one way or another.

Theory #9: Engineering situations to ensure a specific future is not necessarily a bad thing – in fact I’m hoping it’s a way of getting what you want sooner, rather than having to wait for it.

I’ll expand on this thought later.

– Dr O.


Ex Files: The Tally.

Ok, so Kiki’s vlog has me a bit hooked.

I know. Hopefully not a massive potential for trouble, right?

(I thought about linking to Kiki’s vlog, but I figure that’s one step from Ben reading this, and really, while I’m happy for the world to hear my crazy thoughts, I’d like to keep Ben a little ignorant of that side of me for a little bit longer.)

Kiki tallies up the points of her exes to try to find the best ex (in the context of being able to be friends with your ex):
+10 points for practical knowledge imparted by them
+20 points for emotional lesson learned
-11 points for GTFO moments

My theory on it all? #8: Experience the bad and you can better appreciate the good. (+20 specifically to Peter for that one).

I know I haven’t told all of the stories yet, but they’ll come with time. For now you can get the summaries. If there’s actually someone reading these and you’re interested to hear one of the Ex Files stories specifically, you’re going to have to comment!

(Note: pseudonyms for Exes 1 through 3 are not set in stone, but I’m pretty happy with them 🙂 Wish I could share them with you since I’m pretty proud of how I came to them all)

Ex #1: Mitchell
+10 for all of the help with debating/mooting/study/other school activities
+10 releasing sexual energy can help with better sleep
+20 just because a guy seems perfect to everyone else, doesn’t mean you should settle for them if you’re feelings aren’t 100% in it
+20 long distance, even for a short period is difficult – you have to put in the effort
-11 (because I need a negative here for him) for the guilt I felt because of the guilt he felt about how it ended (?because I didn’t know how to break up with someone at that point)
Total: 49

Ex #2: Scott
+10 attempting to improve my computer/video games skills
+10 improving my cool-factor by getting me to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer
+20 my first. (should count for something)
+20 standing up for oneself is important
-11 should have stood up for me when his dad was being a bully
-11 grabbing my boobs in public. constantly
Total: 38

Ex #3: Alex
+10 learning to be confident enough to wear a naughty nurses outfit (and to show just a little of the sexy lingerie too)
+20 mutual fun flirtatiousness
+20 essentially a one night stand + walk of shame (bucket list achievement?)
-11 essentially a one night stand
Total: 39

Ex #4: Peter
+10 how to check the air in my car tyres
+10 (Because I’m sure I learnt more practical things in 5 years, I just can’t remember)
+20 excitement in the danger
+20 ultimate trust associated with being with someone you know inside out
+20 importance of knowing what’s bad to be able to appreciate what’s good
-11 artificial-mj smoking (even with the where and when I’d asked him not to)
-11 let 2x juice boxes explode over walls/furniture (in the bedroom), and didn’t clean them up
-11 vomiting on me while I slept
-11 allowing me to do everything for him and not being able to do anything for me
Total: 37

Ex #5: Arnold
+10 squats = sexy butt
+20 sometimes sex is just about getting some and not about the emotional connection
-11 photos of his muscles. still getting these btw. oh and the pictures of his penis.
-11 implying I need to work out to get a better “booty”
Total: 8

Ok fine, so Ex #1 was probably always going to be the winner – still wouldn’t ever go back there though, he’s good in the outer edge of the friend zone. Weird that Scott and Alex both ended up with more points than Peter – relationship with Peter means more to me overall, even though the last year was pretty awful.

I may update these if I remember more things, but I feel pretty good about the tally as it stands.

Thanks goes to Kiki 🙂 Highly recommend everyone does this – really helps to put things into perspective.

– Dr O.

Monkeys aren’t zebras or leopards.

Ok, so I have a few confessions.

I know it is only two weeks into the year, but I’ve been finding it hard to stick to the NYR and focus more on the present.

By this, I mean that I wanted to become this cool, relaxed, laid-back person who can let the world rush over them and fear nothing, worry over nothing, and ultimately live a happier, more peaceful life.

Yep. Well. That’s not really me at all.

Theory #7: Monkeys don’t have stripes, but that doesn’t mean you should go looking for the spots that probably aren’t there either.

So you already know that I think my new guy, Ben, is amazing, but I have a small issue gnawing at me. Because of our frustratingly long distance relationship and his insane number of hot single female friends whom he catches up with regularly … it makes me fairly jealous.

And I’m the jealous type.

But I try not to show it. I’m trying to be a cool, calm, collected breeze of relaxed indifference, with a lack of self-esteem issues and complete confidence in my ability to hold onto a catch like Ben.

Outwardly, and mainly out in the direction of Ben, I am able to hold together a shady version of this goddess. In reality, I am a phone-checking, self-conscious, giant ball of nerdy anxiety.

But here’s the kicker. One of his many hot single female friends, who caught up with Ben most recently, has a vlog. A proper one. With followers and all.

(Let’s call her Kiki.)

.. I’m trying to convince myself that having found and watched some of the videos isn’t stalking because links to said vlog are all over fb and it is on the internet after all…

Depressingly, I actually kind of like Kiki’s vlog. I want to tell her to stop pushing her boobs out and try not to gesture so much, but it’s her vlog, and the whole point is to be able to say and do as you please.

I did ask Ben last time I was at his place whether he had dated or ever wanted to date this particular outstanding looking girl. His answer was no, that she’s not really his type as she’s outgoing and exciting and an actress and all; he’s always gone for more the girl next door type.

So here I am, scrolling through her vlog, searching for signs of a reference to Ben – in case she’s secretly pining for him which would put her higher up on my jealousy-watch list (and she’s already gorgeous enough for me to have a little worry there to have her on the list).   (…The list doesn’t exist, I promise. I’m not that bad.)

Instead, after going through her vlog, all I’ve found is the dating advice she’s posting out to the internet void and now I’m back to square one NYR-wise.

One of her posts was about dealing with long distance relationships. She lists the things she feels are important:
– you should know the person really well because you need to know their insecurities to be know how much time/energy you’ll need to give them from the distance;
– you should be able to trust each other completely – if you’re going to be jealous from afar, you’ll probably be jealous even if you were there;
– there needs to be light at the end of the tunnel;
– and if one if you is going to move – make sure you’re moving for other reasons as well, not just for the person.

… Ah dammit. Good advice. And it’s relevant.

So while the jealousy trouble is calmed by Ben’s reassurance (and that I really don’t see him as the cheating type), Kiki’s tips have brought up some of my major points of stress with my relationship with Ben:
– do we know each other well enough yet;
– we still haven’t defined things yet;
– are we both really okay with the distance;
– where (and when) is this going;
– is moving to his state really a good idea;
– and how soon is too soon for moving in together anyway?

Awesome. So much for trying not to worry about the future. See my point? NYR fail.

See a monkey without stripes? Don’t go looking for spots. Take a deep breath, let every worrying thought slide, and hand the poor monkey a banana.

Dr O.


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