Ok, so I have a few confessions.
I know it is only two weeks into the year, but I’ve been finding it hard to stick to the NYR and focus more on the present.
By this, I mean that I wanted to become this cool, relaxed, laid-back person who can let the world rush over them and fear nothing, worry over nothing, and ultimately live a happier, more peaceful life.
Yep. Well. That’s not really me at all.
Theory #7: Monkeys don’t have stripes, but that doesn’t mean you should go looking for the spots that probably aren’t there either.
So you already know that I think my new guy, Ben, is amazing, but I have a small issue gnawing at me. Because of our frustratingly long distance relationship and his insane number of hot single female friends whom he catches up with regularly … it makes me fairly jealous.
And I’m the jealous type.
But I try not to show it. I’m trying to be a cool, calm, collected breeze of relaxed indifference, with a lack of self-esteem issues and complete confidence in my ability to hold onto a catch like Ben.
Outwardly, and mainly out in the direction of Ben, I am able to hold together a shady version of this goddess. In reality, I am a phone-checking, self-conscious, giant ball of nerdy anxiety.
But here’s the kicker. One of his many hot single female friends, who caught up with Ben most recently, has a vlog. A proper one. With followers and all.
(Let’s call her Kiki.)
.. I’m trying to convince myself that having found and watched some of the videos isn’t stalking because links to said vlog are all over fb and it is on the internet after all…
Depressingly, I actually kind of like Kiki’s vlog. I want to tell her to stop pushing her boobs out and try not to gesture so much, but it’s her vlog, and the whole point is to be able to say and do as you please.
I did ask Ben last time I was at his place whether he had dated or ever wanted to date this particular outstanding looking girl. His answer was no, that she’s not really his type as she’s outgoing and exciting and an actress and all; he’s always gone for more the girl next door type.
So here I am, scrolling through her vlog, searching for signs of a reference to Ben – in case she’s secretly pining for him which would put her higher up on my jealousy-watch list (and she’s already gorgeous enough for me to have a little worry there to have her on the list). (…The list doesn’t exist, I promise. I’m not that bad.)
Instead, after going through her vlog, all I’ve found is the dating advice she’s posting out to the internet void and now I’m back to square one NYR-wise.
One of her posts was about dealing with long distance relationships. She lists the things she feels are important:
– you should know the person really well because you need to know their insecurities to be know how much time/energy you’ll need to give them from the distance;
– you should be able to trust each other completely – if you’re going to be jealous from afar, you’ll probably be jealous even if you were there;
– there needs to be light at the end of the tunnel;
– and if one if you is going to move – make sure you’re moving for other reasons as well, not just for the person.
… Ah dammit. Good advice. And it’s relevant.
So while the jealousy trouble is calmed by Ben’s reassurance (and that I really don’t see him as the cheating type), Kiki’s tips have brought up some of my major points of stress with my relationship with Ben:
– do we know each other well enough yet;
– we still haven’t defined things yet;
– are we both really okay with the distance;
– where (and when) is this going;
– is moving to his state really a good idea;
– and how soon is too soon for moving in together anyway?
Awesome. So much for trying not to worry about the future. See my point? NYR fail.
See a monkey without stripes? Don’t go looking for spots. Take a deep breath, let every worrying thought slide, and hand the poor monkey a banana.