Can you really protect yourself with love? Is it worth avoiding asking the difficult questions because even if you get the answer you want to hear, everything might still go wrong anyway?
I read this post about how it might be pointless getting an answer from someone because ultimately life is uncertain and people can lie or changed their minds; an answer doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt.
This was, after all, my whole dilemma about whether or not to ask Ben to define what we have (or perhaps what we don’t have).
Luckily for me, I read this post yesterday and not last week, otherwise I mightn’t be able to say, with confidence, that I am definitely in a relationship now.
On Tuesday 29th January, the following happened:
I sent Ben a message with When you have a minute, can I ask you something?
He replied a bit later Sure, what’s up?
Even though I’d been drafting this question all day (or longer, realistically), I didn’t quite have the right words.
Since I took a while in writing the reply text, he rang instead (something he never does).
So he asked me again, You wanted to ask me something, what’s up?
I attempted to steady myself by taking a deep breath in…
He chimes in Oh no, a big sigh, that can’t be a good sign.
But I could tell the words were formed with a smile on his lips, playful teasing.
So I explained that I couldn’t remember all of the conversation we’d had on Australia Day, and that it was probably because I’d had a fair bit to drink, that I remembered asking him, but just not the answer… Am I your girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? Or…?
He said .. I would like you to be.
He mentioned that he didn’t remember me asking, and that I had obviously been thinking about it a lot more than he had, but he thought we already were together, or at least was acting like he wasn’t available anymore.
We talked for about an hour. I was in an all-smiley-happiness-bliss for the whole conversation.
The following morning I got a text message saying Good morning girlfriend 🙂
So the post ‘The Answer’ essentially comes to the conclusion that ‘the answer is irrelevant, and therefore so is asking the question, and so we should live as happily as we can in the moment’.
I can’t speak for the general population, but I’m not satisfied with that. I wouldn’t be satisfied working in a job with no contract and no agreement about how much I will be paid (or even whether I will be paid). While I don’t need any formal paperwork to say I’m in a relationship, it’s a kind of verbal agreement – and it’s the kind of something we need to hear from the other person so that we know we’re not alone in this, we’re not alone in the way we feel.
Sure, you might get hurt, but you could get hurt without an answer. At least if the response is not what you’re wanting to hear, then you definitely know your place and can move on. And you can also miss out on hearing a wonderfully unexpected answer from someone who was just waiting for you to ask. With an answer you get to live in bliss for a time, whether short or long, you still get to experience it.
So I would say, when the time is right – ask.
As long as you have considered as many of the possibilities, the consequences or repercussions as you can, where exactly is the harm in trusting someone’s answer, in asking? Then you can end that chapter, one way or another. Be optimistic, ask the question, have your answer, allow yourself to fall in love completely and if things go belly-up relish in the experience you got to have.
Theory #19: All roads lead to somewhere, or nowhere. If you’re not after the journey for journey’s sake, might be nicer to ask for a map.
– Dr Gigi.